


Armitage Hux and The Percolator of Injustice

by PoorQueequeg



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Curds and Whey, F/M, Impenetrable anuses, Impenetrable discourse, Muffins, Multi, Other, PRO HUX, Powerful erotic energy, Tauntaun shit, Totally serious social commentary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 10:34:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11229162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoorQueequeg/pseuds/PoorQueequeg
Summary: Can Hux control Kylo and Rey's incestuous, bestial desires?





	Armitage Hux and The Percolator of Injustice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [terapid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/terapid/gifts).



> One time I did a shit and used to much toilet paper, and it blocked the toilet. And I tried to ignore it and pretend it wasn't there, and then later I threw some old salad down the toilet on top of it and it blocked it more. So I had to get a coat hanger and a plunger and make a shitty salad in the toilet bowl before eventually it went belch belch gurlge and unblocked and it all flushed away. That's not even a commentary, that's just a real thing that happened to me last week. BUCKETHEAD FOR PRESIDENT!

 

 

It was busy in the coffee shop but Kylo doesn't mind. Since leaving the First Order, he has been the manager of a successful coffee shop on AchTo called Kylo's Koffee. His uncle had suggested calling the shop JediJava but Hux had told him that name sounded kind of gay so he didn't choose that name but another one instead.

 

“Kylo your cousin is here and she seems upset,” Hux told him as he scraped half eaten blue muffins into the trash compactor.

 

“WHAT!?!?!” Kylo demanded, his now light side fingers crackling with blue lightning because if there was one thing that could turn Kylo back to the dark side, it was someone upsetting his darling cousin Rey.

 

“REY! WHAT'S THE MATTER!” He cried as he barged into the coffee shop to find the slender form of his extremely attractive cousin standing with her pad clasped against her chest and tears in her big, brown doe eyes.

 

“Oh Kylo!” she sobbed, because canonically Rey cries when things upset her. “They didn't like it!”

 

“Who didn't like what?” he said, taking her into his arms and holding her close.

 

“The message boards!” Rey wailed. “They didn't like my genderbent Emperor Palpatine/Darth Vader anal lovebeads fic!”

 

“WHAT!?!?!?” Kylo gasped in horror, releasing her and snatching her pad. “Give me this!”

 

“KYLO YOUR EYES!” Rey screamed as his eyes flamed orange with the rage of a Sith in the making.

 

“Don't try to stop me Rey!” he seethed. “You know if there is one thing that can turn any of us to the dark side again it is people being jerks on the internet!”

 

 

“Oh Kylo what are you going to do?” Rey cried as he furiously began to mash at the screen with his big manly fingers, even though she was secretly thrilled to have such a powerful dark lord as her lover and flying monkey.

 

“I am going to give them a piece of my mind,” he informed her with a low growl.

 

Rey shivered at the hotness of his voice and blinked her big brown eyes. “You are?” she simpered moronically.

 

“Hahaha” Kylo said, slamming send.

 

“Oh Kylo, what did you do?” Rey asked feistily, but not meekly because she is not meek.

 

“I wrote pages and pages of discourse denouncing them using circular logic and big words, and I drew the word FANDOM and drew a Wampa taking a big shit on it while masturbating and saying HAHAHA OMG.”

 

“Oh you didn't!” Rey moaned, instantly aroused.

 

“Yes I did because that will show them because that's the best way to deal with this kind of thing and you know it.” Kylo said.

 

“Yes Kylo I know, you are so right, because you are amazing and awesome and famous and everyone in the Palpatine/Vader slash fandom knows and respects you.”

 

“Yes, that is true,” Kylo agreed, refreshing the page. Rey squealed with delight as she saw the number of likes and reblogs and additional commentary that had already started to appear beneath Kylo's epic genius post of brilliance. “Now noone will ever do anything even slightly controversial or different or in fact, anything they want.”

 

“They will definitely take me seriously now,” Rey said earnestly. “Especially in light of the impending collapse of civilisation in a large part of the galaxy and the intolerable structural and economic imbalances giving root to far right extremism and free market fundamentalism that is eroding the very foundations of civil society.”

 

“Too right Rey,” Kylo agreed. “Not forgetting all the implicit racism and misogyny, the skyrocketing rate of suicide and drug use and the degradation of our ecology to the point that none of the planets in the galaxy will be able to support human life!”

 

“Wow, Kylo you're amazing and so hot!”

 

“Yes babe, I am,” Kylo agreed pulling her into his arms. They began to make out passionately, as they did from time to time, there in the middle of Kylo's coffee shop in front of everyone even though everyone knew they were cousins.

 

“I want your massive schlong in my secret channel of feminine desire,” Rey exclaimed.

 

“Oh yes babe,” Kylo moaned, helping her to peel their clothes away.

 

“But you know what would be even better,” she gasped.

 

“Oh YES REY!” Kylo cried. “YES!”

 

And so they stopped kissing and undressing to temporarily channel the force and with a swirl of bright mystical energy and the howling of a sudden cosmic wind ripping through the cafe, they turned into Tauntauns. Immediately they began to mate like the rabid animals they actually were, grunting and howling and defecating all over the cafe in the process.

 

“OH MY STARS!” Hux exclaimed, coming in from the kitchen. “I AM TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS HERE.” Which was difficult given that AchTo had recently decided to leave the economic and customs unions of which it had been a part for 40 years and was likely going to turn into a low tax, low wage economy on the shores of the Mid Rim.

 

And he launched into a massive tirade about how sick he was of this gross shit and having to clean up after them all the time and having to tolerate their perversion and crap incestuous romance, intermittently apologizing to the remain voters and giving them coupons for free blue milk space caf lattes and hydro muffins.

 

But it didn't matter, because after this most recent episode, noone in the community could take their business seriously anymore because of all the badly characterised incestuous tauntaun shit all over the furniture, so Kylo and Rey and Hux left the coffee business to become engaged in grassroots politics in their spare time and encouraged all the perfectly nice people off the message boards to do the same.

 

 

 


End file.
